tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
