Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
