Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
