next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
