I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
