I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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