just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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