if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
