and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
