i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
