that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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