It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Your penis caused this!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
