life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
its liver damage thursday
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
