the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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