My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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