Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
