The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
