While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
