Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
