I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
