I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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