he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
