I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
