Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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