I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
