He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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