His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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