She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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