First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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