It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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