Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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