Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wish life had little blips of pornography
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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