i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
