i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
