normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
