My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
