Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
