Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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