she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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