Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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