i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Houston, we have a blender
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
