well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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