Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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