If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
