she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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