finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
