Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.