No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just invented taco cereal.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT