I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.