I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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