at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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