If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
