now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
