i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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