That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
