FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
