Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
