Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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