Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
honey bunches of taint.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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