good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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